Rules
by TheOneWithStarsInHerEyes
Summary: Carlisle and Esme are making lists of rules for Cullen kids. Pre-Breaking Dawn. T for references and language. Now includes the wolves! Bella will NOT have a list because I hate her and refuse to waste my time writing a chapter all about HER. R&R!
1. Emmett

Disclaimer: I own Twilight!

Stephenie Meyer: _Katie_!

Me: Yes? *smiles sweetly*

Stephenie: Say it!

Me: Say what?

Stephenie: Say you do NOT own Twilight! It is MY creation!

Me: Okay! You do not own Twilight! It is MY creation!

Stephenie: That's it! Do you want to be sued? Well? DO YOU?

Me: sorry…I do not own Twilight. :^(

Stephenie: There! Was that so hard, Katie?

Me: Yes!

Stephenie: Well DEAL WITH IT!

**Just to let all the Glee fans know, I **_**am**_** continuing my Quinn/Puck story (don't ask why I am posting this in a Twilight story). This is just to help my writer's block. Enjoy!**

1. You may NOT threaten Alice's credit cards, clothes, money, shoes, bags, car, or ANYTHING she happens to possess. For EVERYONE'S mental, physical, and general health. PLEASE.

2. You are NOT allowed to get physical with Rosalie outside of your bedroom. IT IS DISGUSTING. Edward and Alice also promise that if they walk in on you again, you will wish you were never changed and died after getting mauled by the bear.

3. You may NOT comment on how Alice and Jasper's sex life has been more active lately. Just don't.

4. You are FORBIDDEN from being anywhere NEAR Edward's piano. Last time you scratched it, Edward gave everybody a lecture on how long it takes to 'break in' a piano and how 'no two pianos are the same'. Therefore, instead of him boring us all to death, LEAVE THE PIANO ALONE.

5. You may NOT get drunk with Jasper and Alice. Unless you want Carlisle to explain that alcohol can make us crazy and how it can affect us, DON'T.

6. You are NOT to throw giant snowballs at Alice. She doesn't like the fact that she can fit inside, or the fact that she get soaked. As hilarious as it seems when her head pops out on top, DON'T.

7. You are FORBIDDEN from being within five miles of any fireworks, sparklers, bonfires, ordinary fire or anything that could potentially set you on fire. Last time Rosalie wasn't very happy that you almost burned her in the process, so STAY AWAY FROM ANYTHING FLAMMABLE.

8. You are BANNED from messing with Jasper's emotions. Last time he nearly had sex with Alice in the classroom DURING class, hence why you must NOT do this.

9. You are NOT to use Rosalie/Alice's shampoo, conditioner, body lotion or soap. Not only does it make you smell like them, which tends to…creep humans out, but it makes you seem gay, which Rosalie does NOT appreciate being seen as your gay beard.

10. Finally, both you and Rosalie are BANNED from going to Isle Esme alone, as last time the whole island was in total ruins.

"These rules-" Esme explained s-l-o-w-l-y, pointing at the list, "are to be _obeyed_. Do you know what _obeyed_ means, Emmett?"

"Yes, I'm not stupid…" Emmett sighed. Esme and Carlisle stared worriedly at each other after hearing this statement, but decided to spare their son's feelings.

"Okay then, we are going to put this list on the wall," Carlisle said, even slower than Esme, pointing at the wall. "So you can see it whenever you need to. Okay?"

"Sure. Can I go bug Alice now?" he moaned, bored.

"Leave Al-" Esme started, then thought that if he was annoying Alice, he douldnt annoy her and Carlisle. "Go ahead."

"Go on then son." Carlisle hurried his son impatiently.

"I'm going, I'm going! Jeez! Talk about not being wanted…" Emmett laughed running up to his favorite sister.

Carlisle immediately kissed his wife gently, glad to have some time alone.

"Do you want to take this to the bedroom, honey?" Esme smiled.

Carlisle didn't hesitate to scoop Esme up bridal style-

"EMMETT! GET YOUR ASS OUT! JAZZ AND I ARE SPENDING TIME TOGETHER IN _PRIVATE_!" Alice screamed from upstairs.

"Whoa, look at Jazz and Al, getting in on! Nice boobs there, sis!" Emmett laughed. Alice screamed louder and it sounded like Jasper got Emmett.

Seconds later Emmett walked past, mumbling something barely audible even to vampires, but along the lines of 'Great…my sister…bigger boobs…than wife…'. even though they weren't sure, it still made them sick.

"I'd better get to work then." Carlisle said grabbing his briefcase.

"Yes, I have to…do some… stuff." Esme went along with it.

Something told her Emmett was going to break most of his rules pretty soon.


	2. Alice

_Disclaimer: I, Katie, am the proud owner of the amazing creation (if I do say so myself!) that is the Twilight Saga!_

_Stephenie: Katie! Must we go through this again?_

_Me: what do you mean?_

_Stephenie: you know what…let's not waste time…_

_Me: WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS RAIN ON MY PARADE? __**WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?**_ FINE! IF YOU ARE SET ON **RUINING ALL MY CHILDHOOD ****DREAMS,** I WILL ADMIT IT!

Stephenie: well, hurry up then!

Me: meanie…I don't own Twilight. GROWL! **I AM NOW GIVING EVERYBODY WITHIN A 10 MILE RADIUS 5 SECONDS TO RUN!**

Stephenie: *calls Edward and runs away in his sparkly arms*

1. You are not allowed to dress Edward up just because Bella isn't there, and getting Jasper to make him want you to dress him up is just mean.

2. You are PROHIBITED to go hunting alone with Emmett. Destroying half the forest while fighting over who got the biggest mountain lion is stupid and according to the gardening and nature documentaries Esme watches, it's not that good for the planet either.

3. You are NOT allowed to kidnap Bella while she is asleep and force her to shop with you at 3 in the morning. It really annoys Edward, which is not good news. You of all people should know that…

4. Either don't plan surprise parties at all or TELL CARLISLE OR ESME. Remember what happened when you didn't…(Carlisle has never been the same since…)

5. You are FORBIDDEN to sing Brittney songs in your head. It REALLY annoys Edward. If you are wondering why this is bad, refer to rule 3!

6. You may NOT decorate your and Jasper's bedroom without telling Jasper. Emmett never let him live it down when you made it all pink and purple and fluffy…

7. don't lie about Bellas future to Edward. He almost KILLED Mike Newton last time!

8. DON'T give Bella a chew toy to give to Jacob on his birthday. We don't need anymore reasons to start a war.

9. You may NOT go on more than 10 shopping trips abroad per year. Believe it or not, IT IS POSSIBLE TO RUN OUT OF MONEY.

10. Do NOT laugh at Emmett's stupidity. He finds it rather DEGRADING. In this rule we are actualy giving you options! Either let Emmett rant on and on and on about how everyone takes him for granted and assumes he his supid etc etc, or follow this rule!

"You guys must really hate me!" Alice moaned, pouting adorably. Carlisle looked away, knowing that if he looked at her face he would rip the list and give her money to go on her 11th shopping trip abroad…this MONTH. Turning his back to the wall, he spoke to Alice as if she was right in front of him.

"We love you Alice, but this tough love. We have made these rules for you to obey." he said, prepared to talk to her about all the rules with Esme.

"Don't bother with the whole talk crap. I already saw it…" Alice stood up and ran up the stairs and came back with Emmett behind her.

"Where are you two going?" Esme asked before they could run out the door.

"Shopping. Ally says I need new clothes…" Emmett grumbled, clearly not very happy about it.

"Over my ashes will you wear the same thing twice Emmett Cullen! Now get your soon to be sorry ass into the car." Alice commanded.

Watching them drive off, Carlisle and Esme sighed.

"Sibling love." Esme smiled.

"More like trying to empty my bank account…" mumbled Carlisle, putting his arms around his wife. _I think it's time to get the kids to get jobs…_ he thought.

"NO WAY CARLISLE!" no doubt who that was…

**Okay, 2 more reviews and I'll add another chapter. Oh, and you can choose who it will be about ;) **


	3. Rosalie

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. : (

**Author's Note: thank you to my reviewers! So, as promised, here is another chapter. Please, don't be shy to tell me which character it should be about! It just takes me longer to post it trying to decide on who's list should be next (I spent AGES trying to decide between Edward and Rosalie!). R&R!**

1. You are FORBIDDEN to change every piece of furniture and the walls in the house into mirrors. It isn't good for Alice or anybody who 'looks bad' in Alice's opinion - not to mention unbelievably VAIN.

2. You may NOT make your status on social sites (Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, etc.) as ANYTHING that has to do with your recent 'activities' with Emmett.

3. You are PROHIBITED from shopping with Emmett, Edward or Bella no matter who accompanies you. Emmett because you got too…inappropriate in the public toilets (you shouldn't have even been in the same one!), Edward because last time you destroyed half the store FIGHTING (which meant we had to move) and Bella because…too many reasons.

4. You are NEVER to hunt with Emmett. NEVER. Someday that 'waste of space' forest will come in handy during global warming, and everybody will die because YOU JUST COULDN'T CONTROL YOUR HORMONES!

5. You MUST spend 3 hours with Edward every Sunday to bond and try to get along. Even though it will be a pain in the back for you, it will be so much better for the rest of us in the long run!

6. You are NOT allowed to start a Rosalie Hale Fan Club / Rosalie Hale is the Hottest Person Ever page on Facebook. For one thing, NOBODY EVEN 'LIKED' IT, and like rule one it is VAIN.

7. You can NOT go around telling everybody your vampire power is beauty just because you are jealous of Jasper, Alice and Edward. It is, (once again…) VAIN, and no one even believes you - even _vampires_.

8. You are FORBIDDEN from adopting human children. It is unsafe for them due to what we are - and do NOT take this literally and adopt a 'preteen' as the young people call them these days. When the girls get their…menstrual cycle and get hormonal, if you haven't forgotten, SO DOES JASPER, which means EVERYONE does.

9. Do NOT waste your time trying to sunbathe. You need to get this fact into your head - WE. CAN **NOT**. GET. A. TAN! Never have, never will.

10. There are NOT 'plenty of Mike Newtons to go around.'! YOU WILL **NOT **KILL HIM FOR BEING 'too Mike-ish'!

"This is freaking STUPID! I'm not twelve here!" Rosalie shouted.

"We know. But you need these rules to keep you from behaving like one." Carlisle said gently.

"So what happens if I break these 'rules'?" Rosalie snapped.

"Depends. You break one that has to do with Facebook, you aren't allowed online for a while. Break it three times you will be banned from the site." Esme said.

"OH F**K YOU ALL!" Rosalie stood up, broke the chair, got into her car and drove off swearing.

"I think that went rather well!" Carlisle smiled, pleased the house was still in one piece.

"I know!" Esme agreed. "…until she gets home…"

"I think it's time for a trip to Denali!" Carlisle said, running upstairs and packing his bags.

"Well I think you're right!" Esme agreed running up after her husband. _Anything to get away from here_…

"WELL YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD PARENTS!" _why, WHY, must our son read minds?_

"BECAUSE HE IS SUPERIOR TO THE REST OF YOUR CHILDREN!" _okay, time to get going!_

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN YOU ARE _NOT _SUPERIOR TO ME!" well, there's Alice…

Carlisle and Esme snuck out the door as there were several crashes and three BOOMs from Edward's bedroom.

_What a lucky escape…_

**Well, what do you think? This was probably the hardest to write. Tell me who to write about next ;) two reviews, another chapter!**

**TwilightGal99**


	4. Jasper

_Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight. : (_

_Author's note: okay, I got bored and had to update again, even if I didn't get reviews for the last. I've started a new story called Thomas Jefferson High_. I'm trying really hard on it. The first chapter is up so please read (the summary sucks though). It's a crossover of Glee and Twilight, but you don't need to know either of the storylines to Glee or Twilight. Thanks!

1. You are NOT allowed to make Emmett lusty in school - even if he walked in on you and Alice. The teacher got him SUSPENDED for ripping her shirt off.

2. You are BANNED from toilet paper teepee-ing Emmett and Rosalie's room, Carlisle and Esme's room, Edward's room, the school OR Bella's house. Scratch that. Don't toilet paper teepee anywhere.

3. When Edward annoys you, you DON'T take your anger out on his piano - his Austin Martin annoys him more. P.S. Alice and Rosalie did not change this rule. NO WAY. Xx (those kisses were so NOT from Alice…)

4. Do NOT sell the Jeep (well, unless you want to be the one to start WW3).

5. You are NOT _not _(Alice did so NOT add in another not to make it mean that Jasper is not not allowed to make Emmett and Edward make out…) allowed to make Emmett and Edward want to make out in public. Or Carlisle and Rosalie. No one, okay?

6. You are FORBIDDEN from insulting Yankees. They fought for their people, just like you did.

7. You are PROHIBITED from spread rumors to the kids at school about Rosalie doing embarrassing stuff as a child. Yes, this includes wetting herself, being afraid of ducks, penguins and all flightless birds.

8. You CAN'T put videos of Emmett making a fool of himself on Your Tube, even if 'it was too funny. It would be cruel not to share it with the world!'

9. You are NOT allowed to make Rosalie feel ugly, even if she was saying everybody was ugly apart from her. (The smart thing to do is make her feel like shutting up before Esme hears her.)

10. You may NOT make Esme feel guilty when she grounds you even if 'it was all Emmett's fault'. You won't be able to control her forever and will eventually face her wrath (as you have found out…)

"I am so glad I have two lovely parents who care so much to make rules for me and leave them in reach of Alice! And as for rule eight…it's YOUTUBE, not Your tube." Jasper smiled sending out waves of guilt. Esme twitched.

"These are for your own good, Jasper." Carlisle said calmly, almost giving in to the guilt.

"For your own good." Esme repeated, agreeing. _Any second now!_ Jasper thought to himself.

"You know what? FORGET THE RULES! We love you for who you are, Jasper! Now go spread rumors about Rosalie and make her feel ugly! Put thousands of stupid videos of Emmett on your tube! Insult the Yankees like there's no tomorrow! SELL THAT JEEP!" cried Esme ripping up the ex-rules.

"Sure thing, Esme…" Jasper grinned and walked out of the room _I wonder how much Em's jeep is actually worth…_


	5. Edward

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight : (**

**Author's Note: Thanks to all who reviewed! Sorry, I had this done AGES ago, but then I realized I forgot to upload it. Oops! R&R!**

1. You can NOT get Alice to help you to make Emmett think he killed Bella next time he gives her a hug. Chances are even though he has the IQ of a child, he's going to hear her heartbeat.

2. You are NOT allowed to give out to Emmett and Rosalie or Jasper and Alice about their 'thoughts' during…certain…things they do while together. I you don't want to hear it, GET OUT. You will be doing that sort of stuff with Bella one day.

3. NO hunting with Rosalie, no matter what the circumstances. NEVER. No reasons needed.

4. You may NOT steal Alice's Ipod. Unless you want another piano destroyed - but if you are okay with your 'masterpiece maker' being reduced to splinters, go ahead! Feel free!

5. You are FORBIDDEN from buying a new house in the SAME TOWN just for yourself because 'Emmett and Alice are driving me crazy!'.

6. You are PROHIBITED from helping Bella cheat on tests - even if it was a surprise test she couldn't study for.

7. You are NOT allowed to read Carlisle or Esme's thoughts and shout. It makes us look like bad parents.

8. You will NOT keep secrets from Bella anymore. It has proven to always backfire and blow up in your face.

9. You are NOT allowed to subtly rub the fact that Charlie can't stop you from being with Bella in his face. It's MEAN and will eventually be your FATHER IN LAW.

10. You are FORBIDDEN from putting alcohol in the animals Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie drink. ESPECIALLY when you make snap decisions.

"Okay, these rules are unnecessary! I already promised Bella I wouldn't keep secrets from her. I already go to Bella's when Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett are doing that kind of stuff! Number seven is YOUR fault. Even when Charlie _is_ my father in law he will never see us again and I only did number six once -" Carlisle cut Edward off.

"We are not going to waste time listening to you rant on Edward. If you really consider these rules unnecessary we can make another list -"

"No, no it's fine! These rules are so necessary I would be running wild without them. I was actually going to go and lie to Bella right now! I am so grateful you made that rule now so my relationship can be centered around love and honesty."

"Go…" Esme sighed and watched as Edward ran out the door and sped off in the Volvo.

**Well? Review! Up next: the one and only Jacob Black!**


	6. Jacob

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight…screw you, disclaimer inventor!**

**Author's note: now I've done Edward, Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie I'm going to do the wolf pack. Enjoy!**

Sam POV

I was so sick of this. If Leah and Paul weren't hurling insults at each other, they were hurling them at everybody else. If Embry and Quil weren't messing around on patrol, they were talking about the news of Collin being gay. If Collin wasn't trying to talk to Leah about how good the pack looked naked, he was reading Leah's magazines. If Jacob wasn't obsessing over the Swan girl, he was fooling around with Quil and Embry. If Jared wasn't gambling, he was avoiding patrols saying he was pregnant.

Today this would all come to a stop. Emily was going to help me make rules for the pack. Ten for every one of them.

I sat down with Emily at the table. First up: Jacob.

1. You are not allowed to obsess over Bella when in wolf form unless NOBODY else is in wolf form. Last time Leah dreamt about kissing Bella we didn't hear the end of it for _weeks_.

2. You are not allowed to comment about Quil imprinting on a three year old (yes, this means you aren't allowed to call him a cradle snatcher or pedophile).

3. You are not allowed to start fights with Paul on purpose just to amuse yourself. He needs to learn to control his anger and provoking him to fight is NOT going to help!

4. You, Paul, Leah, Embry and Quil can't declare a paintball war on Jared, Collin, Seth and Brady just because 'we felt bored and we had paintball guns, so we thought we'd put them to use'.

5. You are not allowed to sneak in the Sam and Emily's house to get food. Yes, even if the food in your own fridge isn't good enough.

6. You are not allowed to talk about the news of Collin being gay with the rest of the pack - even about Collin reading Leah's magazines. He can't help his sexual orientation!

7. You can't flirt with Leah just to annoy Sam. It really hurts him.

8. You are not allowed to remind Leah about Sam imprinting. For one thing, if you do, you will eventually lose your dick due to a vicious attack from a certain she-wolf…and Emily will definitely be left bridesmaid-less.

9. You can't sing. So don't. For all of our sakes…

10. You are not allowed to steal Leah's clothes. She doesn't appreciate having to run around naked and she WILL make you regret it later. Remember what happened to Paul, Jacob, REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO PAUL!

"Okay Sam, this is bullshit. And I am sorry but my answer to number seven is you are such a freaking baby! There are gonna be loads of guys who flirt with her and you are just going to walk over to the guy and say 'Here's a list of rules for ya. See that one there? Yeah, that says you can't flirt with Leah. So back off.'. Leah wouldn't be very happy with you now would she?" Jacob laughed. Sam glared at him.

"I'm sure she will in the future but as for now you are not to flirt with her." Sam stated.

"You are not in charge of me! If you think Paul or Leah will even bother to _read_ theirs, you are gonna be surprised." Jacob argued.

"I'm Alpha, and what I say goes, Jacob." Sam snapped. Jacob mimicked him in a high pitched girly voice.

"UGH!" Sam stormed out of the room.

"Wow. I always knew he loved me!" Jacob grinned and frolicked out of the house to play Xbox with Quil and Embry.

**Well? What do you think? I kinda felt random towards the end, hence why Jacob frolicked out of the house…hehe! REVIEW NOW!**


	7. Leah

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight if the previous disclaimers haven't made that freaking clear enough to Mr. I-Don't-Like-People-Being-Happy-So-I'll-Invent-Disclaimers!**

**Author's Note: Thank you for your reviews. I am TRYING to update ASAP. Still, I love carnivals and there is one near my house so sorry. : ( Review!**

**P.S.: when I write a Leah story I always imagine Vanessa Hudgens instead of the actress who portrays Leah because in the movie Leah looks like 30 years old and is meant to be 19. In my opinion Vanessa looks around that age. Vanessa actually **_**did**_** audition for the role of Leah but she was thought of as too happy (the casting people obviously were thinking of HSM, but Vanessa showed them when she got the part of Sa5m in Bandslam, didn't she? Hehe!).**

**BTW, this will have very bad language due to Leah Clearwater's mouth.**

1. You are not allowed to team up with Seth against Quil and Embry to insult each other. QUIL IS **NOT **A PEDOPHILE! Embry's hair has NO similarities to Justin Bieber's!

2. You are not allowed to buy Jared condoms for his birthday - even if he has been cracking jokes on how active his sex life is lately with Kim.

3. You are **NOT **allowed to flirt with Jacob to make Sam jealous. It hurts him.

4. You are not allowed to pay Jared to dress in Emily's clothes for your amusement. First of all, it is mean because his IQ is too low for him to realize you are ripping him off with green monopoly money, uploading the pictures onto the internet and making people question his sexual orientation and secondly, he rips Emily's clothes due to his large waist.

5. You are not allowed to encourage Collin to grow his hair just because you miss having girl friends to talk about hair with. His hair would be too long when he phased…not to mention there would be a long hairdressing bill. He'd have curls one day, layers the next…just don't encourage him.

6. You are not allowed to threaten Jacob's chances of reproducing when you are mad at him. Actually, don't threaten Paul's either. Or Seth's. Or anybody else in the pack. We need them to pass on the wolf genes.

7. You are not allowed to plan any pranks on Sam and Emily with Quil. Quil has a devious mind and combined with yours, you are lethal. Also, Sam and Emily need a house to live in so do not set fire to their mail. Fire SPREADS.

8. You are **not **allowed to wear a bikini - even when swimming or doing anything water related. Some of the pack cannot control when…their manhood decides to stick up. So please…don't.

9. You are not allowed to play poker with Brady. He still owes you $50 (which you will tell him he can keep) and can't afford to constantly lose to you.

10. You are not allowed to play strip poker with the guys. You know the reasons why.

"This is a piece of fucking bullshit. You are NOT the boss of me and you never will be. While I am a wolf you might be able to tell me what to do but while I have two legs, you can go fuck yourself, fat-ass." Leah snapped, standing up and walking out the door with the list in her hand.

"Well, that went well…" Emily breathed a sigh of relief. Sam sniffed the air.

"I think I smell burning…oh shit!" Sam swore and grabbed the fire extinguisher and sprayed it at the newspaper which had been set alight and shoved through their mailbox. Inside the newspaper, burnt to a state which rendered it unreadable was Leah's list.

"THAT'S FOR NUMBER THREE JACKASS!" they heard Leah shout from outside.

"Well, the fire's out." Sam shrugged.

"I have got to say I think she took that rather well!" smiled Emily.

"Better than I would have expected." Sam agreed.

"HEY BRADY, WANNA PLAY POKER?"

"Well that list was so not a waste of time!" Emily said sarcastically.

"Not at all!" Sam agreed.

"Idiot…" mumbled Emily.

Then they drove off to get Sam's IQ tested and Brady lost another $50 to the lovely Leah Clearwater.

**Well? What do you think? Did I do Leah well? You could tell me…in a review!**

**TwilightGal99**


	8. Quil

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight for the _**last **_time!

Author's Note: thank you to **Team Edward Rules All**, **Dark Angel 5120**, **D-Gray gal**,** guesswhoitsme**, **twihardgleek20 **and **Sister of the Light **for your reviews! They mean a lot! This chapter is Quil's rules.

1. You are NOT allowed to force the pack to come to Claire's birthday parties. SOME guys don't like being made into princesses and princes having tea parties with Princess Claire.

2. You are not allowed to give out to Leah for swearing around Claire. You know she won't listen and will swear even more just to annoy you.

3. No more gambling. You lose too much money to Leah and Paul and when your grandfather complains, WHO 'lends' you money? Sam and Emily, whose bank account is almost EMPTY due to you and your moronic ways!

4. You are not allowed to volunteer to go on patrol with Jacob and Embry. Believe it or not, you are not on patrol when you are lying on Jacob's sofa DRUNK.

5. Unless you want to end up in an institution for the criminally INSANE, you are not allowed to dress up as Superwoman and save all of the 'innocent youth of Forks' from the 'evil torturers' when Embry dares you to. The students and teachers in Forks high school really did not appreciate it. They happen to be the students in Forks high school being taught by teachers.

6. You are not allowed to borrow Leah's clothes. Yes, this includes her bra. Remember this is for your own good. Leah will rip you to pieces if she finds you wearing her bra and shoving oranges into it…again.

7. NO PRANKING WITH LEAH. **NO WAY.**

8. You are not allowed to pay Jared or Paul to baby-sit Claire. You know why. Unless you want her mom to keep her away from you until she is eighteen, DON'T.

9. You are not allowed to sleep in Seth and Leah's place without telling them. Some reasons: Seth doesn't like his fridge empty, Leah doesn't like finding you half naked on her sofa/bed/counter (ESPECIALLY in her bed), Sue won't stop ranting on to your grandfather about it and Seth is creeped out by you using their shower.

10. Collin and Brady do not have to do an 'initiation' to the pack. This includes streaking across First Beach, cross-dressing and carrying you, Embry and Jacob everywhere on their shoulders.

"Damn, you two really love being party-poopers, don't you?" Quil moaned folding his arms and scowling.

"Yes, we do Quil." sighed Emily. _Great, he's going to be whining for ages… _she thought.

Quil took his phone out of his pocket.

"Quil, put that away. This is not the time to text." Sam groaned wanting to get this over with.

"Sorry. Just checking my calendar. I gotta say, you chose a great day to give me these rules." Quil said smiling too widely for his face.

"And why is that?" Emily asked, not truly caring.

"Today is…OPPOSITE DAY!" Quil cheered, jumping up and punching the air.

"OKAY GET OUT _NOW!" Sam shouted clearly PMSing. _

"_Jeez, don't get your panties in a twist Sammy!" Quil laughed as sam threw him out. _

_Quil then went off to play mommies and daddies with his darling imprint, Claire._

_Well? Review!_


	9. Jared

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight, if SOME STUPID MORON has not realized even though I have written this in EVERY FREAKING CHAPTER!**

**Author's Note: sorry for the wait! I couldn't decide on which one of the wolves I should do. This is why I encourage you to tell me which I should do. Anyway, after picking a name out of a hat…drum roll please…the chosen one is…Jared! **

**PS: **_thoughts are written in Italics._

**PSS: I am trying out a new story, seeing as we only have Paul, Embry, Seth, Collin and Brady left in this story and maybe five or six chapters left in my Glee story. The category is Twilight. Please review on it and tell me if you think I should continue! The first chapter was meant to kind of fill readers in on who's who, just incase you thought it would be that boring. If you want to read another chapter to see what the actual story is going to be like before you want to tell me to continue or not, feel free. **

**Review!**

"JARED!" Sam yelled, walking in Jared's direction. "I've been shouting at you for ten minutes straight! Are you deaf?"

"No, I was seeing how many times you would call me before you decided to get your lazy ass over here and speak to me at a normal volume." Jared laughed. Sam growled and rolled his eyes.

"Come with me." he sighed.

"No can do, Sammy. I'm going to Paul's then we are going to Jacob's then we are going to Quil's then we are going to Embry's then we are going to Leah's friend Stacey's house to get Leah then we are going to Collin's then we are going to Brady's so we can all go to the Clearwater's house so Collin and Leah can read Fashion magazines and gossip and the rest of us can play Black Ops on Seth's new Xbox!" he finished punching the air.

"You aren't going to fit that into one day." Sam sighed rolling his eyes.

"Uh, do you have brain damage? We're only going to their houses to get them to come with us, not to actually go into their houses…idiot…" Jared laughed.

"Was that long explanation really necessary?" Sam demanded.

"No not really, but it really annoyed you that I wasted the last forty-six seconds of your soon to be over life and you can never take them back." Jared grinned.

"Actually I am about to waste the next ten minutes of your life away, so I think we are even." Sam smirked smugly. Jared glared at him.

**.:Back At Sam and Emily's House:.**

"Here you go." Emily gave Jared a sheet. Sam and Emily's eyes watched him, waiting for him to complain make Sam scream and kick him out.

1. You are not allowed to keep bugging the rest of the pack to gamble with you. When they don't want to gamble, they don't want to gamble. Believe it or not, they might not have any money left from gambling with you the day before.

2. You are not allowed to bring Kim cliff diving to impress her. Her parents don't want her to die when YOU encourage her to try it.

3. You're NOT _NOT_ _**NOT**_ allowed to dye Seth, Leah or Embry's hair red, no matter how 'cool' it looks on Embry or how 'hot' it looks on Leah or how 'funny' it looks on Seth. Unless you want them to kill you in a slow and painful way, of course.

4. Quil is NOT a pedophile. You are NOT allowed to call him one.

5. You are NOT allowed to suggest that the pack plays strip poker. Or make chicken noises when Leah says she won't play. It doesn't make you funny, it makes you a total pervert.

6. You are not allowed to play truth or dare with the rest of the pack. Just…no.

7. You are not allowed to organize blind dates for Seth. Especially one with a twenty year old stripper. You WILL face Leah's wrath.

8. You are not allowed to make a fan site for the pack. It is vain and it could give away our secret, if you were too stupid to figure that out.

9. You are not allowed to buy birthday presents, Christmas presents or any other type of present on EBay. It's not a very good idea.

10. You are not allowed to try to break the world record for the most amount of muffins you can fit in your mouth at once. It's gross.

"What?" Jared exclaimed. "I was training to break the record! I'm up to five! Five the size of Emily's ones, not the mini ones like Jason Walker who is the current record holder, so I am going to win."

"How will you win? He can fit more small ones in than you could fit big ones. You do know the distinction between big and small, right?" Emily asked worriedly. _Is Jared really that stupid?_

"Not if I tell the world record people that each of the muffins I use are ten times bigger than Jason's." Jared chuckled evilly. _Jason Walker is going down! _

"They wouldn't believe you unless they were blind." Sam snapped, not in the mood to listen to Jared and his record dreams.

"Are we really here to argue over muffins?" Emily sighed, glancing from Sam to Jared.

"I'd love to." Jared smiled cheerfully.

"No, we are not." Sam growled glaring at Jared, annoyed.

"Well if Mr. ChubbyCheeks here says we're not then I guess we're not." Jared sighed.

"Excuse me Jared? DID YOU JUST CALL ME **MR. CHUBBYCHEEKS**?" Sam yelled, angry. _He should know how insecure I am about my fat cheeks…_

"Yes, why yes I did, SammyChubbyAssCheeks!" Jared grinned enjoying winding the fat cheeked alpha up.

"Oh, you were referring to my butt?" Sam said calming down. "Well girls like big butts."

"No, I was referring to the ass on your face. Y'know, these flabby ass cheeks." he lauged, squeezing Sam's cheeks (the ones on his face).

"GET OUT! NOW!" Sam exploded. Jared cowered away raising his hands as a sign of peace.

"Fine then. But just to let you know, I go in peace." Jared assured, running out the door as Sam growled after him.

"Em honey, my cheeks aren't that…overweight are they?" Sam asked leaning on her shoulder pouting. He resembled a five year old trying to be cute. He failed. Miserably.

"Sam, don't make me answer that…" Emily groaned.

Poor sam…

**Well? How was it? Review please! Remember to check out my new story!**

**TwilightGal99**


	10. Paul

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…grr!**

**Author's Note: sorry for the long wait guys! I have excuses though:**

**1. My wireless internet is down and I have to go into my mother's room to update because there's a wire that I put in the side of my laptop…yeah I'm not bothered to explain the whole thing, but pretty much it means my mother can see the screen and I don't want her knowing about this site…**

**2. I was in Belfast for a week and hadn't got my laptop with me.**

**Anyway, enjoy this chapter. Once again I apologize for the wait. These are Paul's rules by the way.**

**PS: I put up a second chapter in my new story. I made it really long and I put a lot of effort into it so please review on it. Xxx**

1. You may not refer to any girl's breasts (especially Leah's) as 'knockers', 'tits', 'racks' or any other words you and your sick mind come up with. They are called _breasts_.

2. You are not allowed to accuse Collin of watching gay porn. He doesn't. Never has, and hopefully never will.

3. You are not allowed to trap Leah inside a closet. No matter what Shakira says, don't.

4. You may not create a fan site for yourself. It's one of your dumbest ideas ever.

5. Don't encourage Collin and Brady to drop out of school. They won't be able to get a job outside of the fast food industry if they do. Believe it or not, unlike you, some people want to do something with their lives besides getting employee discounts at McDonalds.

6. You are not allowed to spread rumors that Brady is gay and dating Collin.

7. You are not allowed to make any inappropriate comments about Rachel when Jacob is around, otherwise WW3 may commence.

8. You are NOT _NOT_ allowed to suggest to the elders that they buy the whole pack a house to live in together. DO NOT. The elders almost bought one last time…

9. You are not allowed to set Embry up on blind dates.

10. You are not allowed to try to set Collin up with Justin Beiber. Justin is not gay, even though many people worldwide claim he is. Also, Justin's bodyguard may come and hunt you down. Upon Mr. Beiber's orders of course.

"Seriously Sam? Are you _trying_ to piss me off?" Paul groaned, frustrated.

"Maybe. Maybe not." Sam replied.

"Sam honey, cut it out. No, Paul, he is not trying to annoy you. He is trying to save you from yourself. If it is not too late, that is." Emily sighed. _Here we go again, listening to the pack moan and groan about their rules. I knew Paul would be the worst… _she thought to herself.

"Jeez, Emily. I'd expect smart ass comments from the she-wolf, but not from the muffin woman…" Paul said staring at Emily attempting to piss her off.

Sam grabbed a pen and wrote another rule on the sheet of paper in front of Paul.

11. You are not allowed to make bets with Embry about trying to get Emily mad. She's a gentle woman and does not get 'pissed off'.

"HEY! Not even _Leah_ got eleven!" Paul snapped jumping to his feet, knocking the table over and breaking it in the process.

"Leah doesn't make bets about my fiancé." Sam snapped back.

"How do you know? You don't hang with us anymore, only in stupid pack meetings and when you're on patrol!"

"Stop bickering at get out; get a job, AND PAY FOR THAT TABLE!" Emily screeched.

"And you said she didn't get pissed off!" Paul yelled as the two men ran to safety from Emily.

"And _you_ have found your superpower! Pissing off the most un-piss-off-able person in the world!"

"Sam that is the worst fucking superpower EVER!"

"Just keep running!"

Unlike Sam, Paul remembered he was a wolf and phased, leaving Sam to face an angry Emily.

**Later when Emily calmed down**

"Sam? Y'know that rule about the house? Number eight? Right there between number seven and number nine?" Paul came bounding in to Sam and Emily's house with his list.

"Yes Paul. Believe it or not I have the wonderful ability to count to ten!" Sam said sarcastically.

"Well good for you. Anyway, the exact words on this sheet or paper are:

'_8. You are NOT NOT allowed to suggest to the elders that they buy the whole pack a house to live in together. DO NOT. The elders almost bought one last time…' _

As you can tell, this claims I may not _not _suggest the idea to the elders. If you are one of the few of us in the modern world who have an understanding of the English language, you will see that this is claiming I can't not share my idea with our lovely elders. But no need to worry Sameo, I'll get right to it!"

"What do you want Paul?"

"Oh, we're getting panicky now aren't we?"

"Paul!"

"Sam!"

"PAUL!"

"SAM!"

"SHUT UP!" the two boys turned to Emily, who had seemed invisible.

"Sorry honey." Sam apologized.

"Whipped…"

"Paul!" Emily scolded.

"Emily!" Paul grinned.

"Paul, tell me what you want and LEAVE." Sam demanded.

"I want you to get rid of my rules and Leah's rules."

"Wait a minute - why Leah's?" Emily asked suspiciously.

"She was the one who noticed the loophole, so I got to give her some credit."

"Fine. No rules for you or Leah." Sam sighed giving in. upon hearing these words Paul fled the scene.

"Well that's Quil, Paul and Leah rule-less." Emily snapped.

"I didn't have any other options!" sam argued in his defense.

"You could have told the elders he just wanted to do the dirty with Leah and they would have forbidden it!"

"Well; I guess I didn't think of that."

"No, you didn't."

"Sorry."

"you should be."

"I am."

"good."

"I'm hungry."

"I'll make dinner then."

"Can we have muffins for dinner?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes! I mean no! I mean! STOP BEING SO CHILDISH!"

"I am sorry for releasing my inner child then!"

"YOU SHOULD BE!"

"I AM!"

"GOOD!"

"I'M GETTING DÉJÀ VU!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE WE'VE ALREADY SAID THIS!"

"Well no wonder. You should lower your voice."

"I'm ordering a takeaway, using your credit card to pay and you can cook for yourself!"

**Well I hope you liked it! Don't forget to review, by the way. Fewer reviews, the less motivated I feel! Anyway, check out my other story and PLEASE, mention who you think the next chapter for this story should be about in your review!**

**TwilightGal99 xxx**


	11. Embry

**Dislclaimer: I do not own Twilight, for all those who have not noticed yet.**

**Author's note: thanks to all who reviewed, but you can thank Team Edward Rules All for this update. Team Edward Rules All, upon your request I will make this chapter about Embry. However, you must know that I hate, detest, despite and loathe Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Her name is ridiculous and her gift is stupid. In all my stories, she is nonexistent, so therefore I will not make a chapter about her. **

**R&R! xxx **

1. You are not allowed to help Emily in the kitchen. We know you didn't mean to, but you almost killed us all last time. Fire is dangerous.

2. You are not allowed to believe anything that Paul says. Actually, don't believe anything that Jared says either. Don't believe Leah either. She's the most dangerous of them all.

3. No matter what Paul says, DO NOT let him call you Embryo. It's not a cool nickname at all.

4. You are not allowed to baby-sit Claire to get out of pack meetings and make it look like you were doing her mom a favor.

5. You are not allowed to loan Quil money unless you realize that to him a 'loan' and simply being given money have the same meaning.

"Only five? Didn't the others get ten?" Embry said, confused.

"They did, but for some reason we couldn't think of anything else." Sam replied.

"Wow, so I only get five? No strings attached?"

"Pretty much."

"I can not wait to rub this in Paul's face!"

"No rubbing it in Paul's face or there will be a sixth." Emily warned.

"Fine. Rain on my parade." Embry sighed. _She said nothing about rubbing it in JARED'S face…or Leah's._

"Okay, Embry. I think it's time you left and gave us some alone time." Sam said, not focusing on Embry, but staring into Emily's eyes.

"Ew! I know that look! That's the look Paul gives Rachel when he's horny!" Embry squealed, running for the door.

Sam began kissing Emily lovingly -

"Wait! Emily, what's an embryo?" Embry asked, barging right back in.

"A human offspring in the early stages following conception up to the end of the eighth week, after which it is classified as a fetus." Emily said.

"Uh, I think I'll just ask…someone else. Thanks." Embry said, clearly not understanding a word Emily had said.

Then Embry left once again, leaving Sam and Emily alone.

"And I thought he was the shy and innocent one." Sam sighed. "I do not know how I cope around them."

"Maybe they have their moments, but you know you love them." Emily teased.

"No I don't."

"Yes you do!" R&B

"No I don't."

"I think you do!"

"Well you think wrong, because I do not love them."

"Yes you do. Admit it!"

"I do NOT love them. Never have, never will."

"Oh quit lying."

"I am telling the truth. However is it means you will stop insisting on my love for the pack, I will lie and tell you what you want to hear."

"Be that way then. But we all know you love them. You're just too scared to admit it."

"Since when have you got me all figured out?"

**It's been a while since I updated. I think updates will get more rare as time goes on…sorry. By the way, that thing Emily said about fetuses and conception and a human offspring were taken out of a dictionary, so all rights of those twenty-five words goes to the dictionary on my laptop. **

**TwilightGal99**


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